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One of my favorite preachers preaching, Bro. Larry Booker at FPCNLR
The devil is the father of lies. This is why it’s hard to talk about what God brought me out of. But it won’t stop me. I am supposed to get rid of my wife and child to live like a complete stranger thinks I should. The enemy has deceived so many minds. Sad day.
Why is China looking at my blog?
This is one of my favorite presentations of True doctrine.
This was a picture taken yesterday. The spirit of the Lord hit her so hard she shouted right out of her shoes. It used to be Bobby pin’s everywhere on the floor after a Holy Ghost blowout, but most are too dignified for that.
I have to make up in my mind that I might have to leave my shoes behind. Those shoes that I walk in this dirty world with. The shoes I walk in at work and at the grocery store. The shoes I wear when I can’t make it through a day at work, or even just in public. Those shoes that carries every load that we have, kick them off and worship God through it. It isn’t guaranteed that one shout will fix everything, but going though life, and shouting the walls down will never lead you in the wrong direction. Lose those shoes!
Things are really hard for me right now. I am not trying to be woe is me, but I may be being woe is me… I am not sure. I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but I do strive towards the mark of the high calling of God. I do. I desire no accolades, save knowing Christ and the power of His resurrection. I could not continue on without the grace of God.
The world is in turmoil and I wish I could use that as the justification of my mind, but I don’t think that matters to anyone, but it also doesn’t matter that it doesn’t matter. I do have to take medication for anxiety. I am on a very low dose, after owning a business in 2013 (well since, but this is when it started) I developed severe anxiety. So I was put on Lexapro for it and it has always done well. I hate being on it, and until God heals me, I am taking it. But something isn’t right inside of me. I am not sure what it is but I can feel it. I feel completely broken.
I have heard so many messages lately about God leading you through storms, tribulation, trials, etc. to build you, mold you, and anoint you. I know God has called me to ministry, also in which I don’t want to do, but not my will, but HIs will be done. I have a major fear of public speaking. I am also the type of person that I have to be taught things. You cant just throw me behind a pulpit and say “exhort!”
When I went to New Life, my pastor would call on me to exhort 3 minutes before church started but he would always tell me what verse to say and say talk about this. So, I’d get up there, and it would happen and everyone was responding and it was great. But, I need instruction. I have asked a slew of people to be a mentor to me. Everyone acts like I am speaking another language. Is it me? I mean, preachers preach to get a mentor. There’s an entire ministry dedicated to mentoring, and even tells you to get a mentor, but to get one is a whole different subject. I don’t know a lot of preachers personally that aren’t local. I asked a pastor if he would mentor me and he said he would with my pastors permission, then I got his permission and the guy literally wouldn’t talk to me. A UPC guy. What is wrong with me that no one wants to invest in me? And then on the other coin, people say you don’t need a mentor (usually people that had one lol) and tell me to just let God lead me. No. The Bible is for ministry training. Jesus trained the Apostles. The Apostles trained their disciples. They trained theirs. It’s Biblical, and I am not the one failing in that area. I keep asking and keep searching and maybe one day I will have one. What is wrong with me though? Do I not look right? Do I look bad? Do I look like an idiot? Do they all think something is wrong with me?
When I was at Bible college we were told to get mentors. I asked two men to be my mentor. Both said yes. Neither mentored me. A BIG UPC guy and a BIG WPF guy. When I told the president who my mentors were, he said to get rid of the WPF guy lol. I went to a UPC Bible college. Anyway, I digress.
I wrote in another post pretty far back about the horrors that came from New Life, and one being that same man that used me on the platform telling other pastors that “something is wrong with him” “he keeps trying to get on my platform and I don’t want him up there.” I literally never asked to ever be on the platform other than the choir and organ. But something was wrong with me? Why, even if all he had said was true, would he not talk to me about that. I asked about a ministry training class, because there were 3-5 young men being trained, but I never said I wanted to be on his platform preaching lol, that would scare me to death! What is wrong with me? Why didn’t he feel right about me? Why did he lie and tell me something else? I don’t know why he thought I deserved that. And he said all that before I moved to Florida and stopped going there.
I go to a UPC church only because of who the pastor is. I do not like the UPC, especially around here. I tend to be on the more conservative side of things, not just holiness, but other things, and I just don’t feel that the UPC is where my heart is. I don’t desire any fellowship meetings with anyone around our area. There’s a spirit over this part of Illinois, and it’s all church hopping and gossiping. I haven’t seen anything like the UPC here. If that is offensive to UPCers, maybe there needs to be a change in leadership around here.
I honestly feel so alone. I don’t have any close close friends. I have plenty of people that call me friend and I call friend but I can’t talk to them. I can’t talk to them about things because everyone is too political or offended or not holy. I am so sick of being attacked by my customers. I have worked in my career for 15 years. I am proud of that. I am 36. So since I was 21 I have had the same career. But my parents aren’t proud of that. My maternal mother told me that she can’t even tell people that she is proud of her son because her dogs look so bad, the dogs that I groom, for free. But it doesn’t matter that she won’t keep an appointment or doesn’t show up. Oh yeah, that was while she was giving me my birthday present. I am not PetSmart. I am one person. A human. A flawed human that has a life of his own with its own issues. And out of those 15 years, 5 of them have been in Illinois, and I have never ever been treated like I have anywhere else, including Seattle, Memphis, Ft. Myers, Panama City, or St. Paul. What is wrong with me? What makes people from every walk of life think something bad about me?
My employees quit and that has put my family and I in such a bind. Most of where I am stems from that. I had customers cuss me, tell me I am a sorry excuse of a person, told me I wear my little Christian hat and am not a Christian, tell me I am a Pharisee, tell me I am in bondage, tell me that I am saved by works, tell me that I am legalistic. Tell me that I can’t groom. Tell me that I can’t work. Tell me that I don’t work. Slam my door. MY DOOR. All my stuff falls of the wall. My front door is broken on the outside because someone slammed it. Completely lied on *JOY STARRICK*. Our business neighbor left before their contract was up and said it was because they could smell the dogs. That was after her son and daughter in law called me an explicative because they were unhappy with my services and I offered a refund. I was next to her for 3 weeks, one of which was us getting our shop opened and no dogs were groomed. Everyone says my shop smells amazing. A lot of people have told me that until they really SAW the things I told them, that they thought that it was all too crazy to even believe. Until they dealt with the same Elvira.
I know I am supposed to give it to God. I don’t know why I can’t. Joy hurt me so bad, and I just can’t get over it. It changed me. Every customer that is new, I am on guard that it is a Joy Starrick walking in to my shop. Luckily she’s like 100 and I’m 36 and hopefully I have more life to live. People can’t believe that a 60 year old woman would do and say the things she said. I don’t know about you (if there is a you reading this) but when a woman says that you’re making child pornography with your daughter and nephew and his girlfriend in the back of your business (because I have her false accusations recorded on cameras I have in every room of my business and outside the entire perimeter) its hard to let that go and not find someone to make sure she has no teeth. But that is my flesh. Hence why she has some teeth left. I know meth eats teeth away. I know she did meth because she told me. That’s why she tried to say I did meth. WHEN SOMEONE TELLS YOU that the reason you found your nephew dead at 19 years old of a drug overdose (which is not what he died of, he was murdered) because you do drugs with him, AND HIS MOM COULD SEE WHERE SHE SAID IT, its a little difficult for that to leave your mind. The pain and anguish my wife and I went through while she was pregnant and I was losing my mind because I found my dead nephew is not something you can just throw around because you weren’t happy with your disgusting crappy dog. There are my imperfections. I can’t let go of people hurting me. So I must not be passing the test God has for me. That is why my soul is anguished.
And GOD FORBID you get covid. I can’t breathe from Covid still from a week ago. But I try to push out and work but I literally can’t breathe. On top of being depressed, friendless, and a failure of a father/husband, I just don’t know what to do. If my employees wouldn’t have quit, I wouldn’t be in this position. It took away half of our income. They quit because they want to live and work in Carbondale. But they didn’t and still don’t care what it has done to us.
I keep saying I want to move away, and everyone says that won’t make your problems go away. Uh, it’ll help a lot! I want to move to North Little Rock. They have an amazing church and Apostolic school Peytlee could go to and I wouldn’t have to own a business, but could work for someone and Leah could work. But I love my church. That’s why we haven’t moved. But this season I am in in feels like its killing me.
There is a song that says:
Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there’s peace
It’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see
But I’m giving in to something Heavenly
Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears
That song is amazing. I feel that is where I am at. I have a Hope. Just right now I am broken. If you do find yourself reading this modge podge of lamenting and carrying on, please say a prayer for me. God turns broken things into fixed things. We waited for 2 1/2 years for Leah’s healing, so I will wait for mine. He IS faithful!
Here is a sample clip of the voicemail left by Joy. I never contacted her, she called and left voicemails and I was the one that had the OP against them. I moved to another town to get away from her. But the judge appeased her because of the nuisance she is.
Believe anything you want, but I’m telling you that when holiness leaves the Church, so does true doctrine. Unholy people embrace heresies. Anybody who thinks they can be more effective by filtering or minimalizing the Gospel is dead wrong.
SECULAR excellence (performance-corporate-professional) can be fool’s gold – a phony substitute – for SPIRITUAL excellence based on Bible, true doctrine, holiness. Lots of people expend themselves strenuously to attain secular excellence, but mock and scoff at saints who apply the same strenuous desire to attain to spiritual excellence. Our priority should be on pleasing and impressing God, not men. Holiness is a manifestation of spiritual excellence in all areas of life.
“STRIVE to enter in at the strait gate: for many, I say unto you, will seek to enter in, and shall not be able,” Luke 13:24.
“Be ye therefore PERFECT (complete, fully mature), even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect,” Matthew 5:48.
“And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and PERFECT, will of God,” Romans 12:2.
“Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which also I am apprehended of Christ Jesus. Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. Let us therefore, as many as be PERFECT, be thus minded,” Philippians 3:12-15.
Let us strive to be perfect in our performance of the will of God.
I went through this. A church that decided to abandon holiness and when we left because of it, they told everyone we left because we didn’t want to go to church with people who didn’t look like us. That’s incredibly laughable. We didn’t want to go to church where false doctrine was taught.